I had a phone call from my uncle up the North in Scotland, it was a very interesting yet a rather disturbing phone call.
For my American readers Jeremy Kyle is the Uk version of the Jerry Springer show.
A normal day started with my uncle in Scotland, when a taxi driver hand delivered a letter to him personally, on the phone was an ITV researcher wanting to talk to him, intrigued he took the call.
Christine ( my mother) had contacted the producers or whoever of the Jeremy Kyle show about not seeing family in 20 odd years yet she attended her grandmothers funeral back in 2011 where my uncle also attended.
Why would the woman want to go on national television to air out her dirty laundry because she would have got slated. Slated for being a shit mother, slated for being a shit sister and basically slaughtered for being a shitty human being. My uncle called me to warn me in case she tried to use itv to find me and contact me. Let’s just say my uncle told them where to stick it, and I would imagine somewhere where the sun don’t shine.
I wouldn’t go on a show like that even if I was paid an extortionate amount, I wouldn’t want to look at her let alone sit in the same room, same building as her and I like my dignity as it is. I googled how much guests who go on the show are paid thinking wow she must be seriously desperate. It would seem expenses, cigarettes and booze are paid to hose guests. Wow.
She must be craving drama because that what the show is for, drama. I love the quiet life, and I certainly don’t want to go on national television on the Jeremy Kyle show. It’s a programme I never watch and one time I have watched it ( I was heavily pregnant and very bored) I found it rubbish.
I wonder who else she will try and manipulate to get on the television for contact because it is not going to be me.
Fret, another word for anxiousness. I grew up fretting about everything from home life to school life, it was all miserable and the years I try to put behind me. No child should suffer anxiousness, no child should have to worry about going home and going to school. Both places should be calm and enjoyable.
I guess growing up worrying it carries into adult life with the smallest things making me anxious, even about going to get fuel for the car before the school run panicking will I be late even if the clock says I have plenty of time. I worry about what if I get stuck in traffic, or the petrol station is dead busy, the smallest little details would bother me where’s normal people would not even think about it.
I fret if I have to work out some mathematics in my head, it actually consumes me with worry because I simply can’t do it. Growing up, I was forced to do hours upon hours of maths and fractions. I would get them wrong and the consequence were not pleasant, I would forget how to work it and terrified to ask for help so I would struggle in silence, even taking too long also had it consequences. This has evolved into my mathematical anxieties, this was also the very reason I could not pursue my dream career as a paramedic because you need to be quick thinking when working out medications. I am one big failure when it comes to number crunching, I don’t even understand sudoku.
when my eldest receives homework I leave the maths to his dad, my eldest is like me but I don’t pressure him, I can only guide him and his dad will he’ll him with any questions, im kinda okay at the grammar and English stuff but I can let my readers decide that with my blog posts!
I came to terms years ago that I would never be a paramedic but I do great job now and it’s within the family so it’s even better, I don’t think I will ever lose the desire to help people where I can, but I guess that’s a good trait to hold on to.
Saturday we all went to a party for a child’s birthday and my middle boy, N, has Prader-Willi syndrome and watching the other children play especially ones at or near his age of 4 years old it was really apparent to me how different he is.
It’s not in looks or anything like that but how he interacts and he is very much slower than his peers in his feet, intellectually he is very clever, knowing more than his peers. N can do his alphabet, spell his name, count to 50, knows his colours and shapes. Speech wise he is delayed but is improving every day since he had surgery 6 months ago to insert grommets into his ears.
I laid awake Saturday night worrying about the future for him, worrying about him starting primary school this coming September. Will he be able to hold his own against other children who lets face it can be cruel. Will he be able to do what’s assigned to him, will his behaviour change and so much more on repeat in my mind that I couldn’t sleep and found tears falling down my cheeks because even though he was diagnosed back in 2014 at 8 weeks all I still struggle to comprehend it all.
Why did it happen to N, why did it happen to us? The weirdest thing is some days I forget that N has PWS. He is a bright, smart and loving little boy and people fall in love with him the moment they meet him. Will N ever be able to marry, he can’t have children as he is infertile. This saddens me as he will never know what it’s like to be father. He may not be able to live an independent life. He will always have to be monitored by us, by health professionals.
Since the party on Saturday this has been weighing me down, making my anxious about everything that I’ve tired to forget for now.
How you tell if someone is genuine and not one to stab you in the back as you had your turn around? How can you tell if a smile is genuine or good intentions benefit the person? This is something I find hard, because I’m generous kind I have a hard time to decipher if that person is basically just using me for that very reason.
I know it sounds paranoid but when you have been hurt by people who was suppose to care but to only to turn around and show their ugly side it sets doubts in my mind about everyone. You could say I have sone trust issues when it comes to ‘friends’.
I was one of these people who felt hurt when I would see a Facebook post of some photo of friends enjoying themselves yet I would not get invited and I’m sure that still is the case now but I don’t have social media anymore so that’s an added bonus to my sanity. I don’t have many friends and I like it that way. I prefer true friends to a huge number of friends, I’m far to old for popularity.
I still find it difficult to fit in as where I live in an outsider so everyone knows everyone before I came along. I live in a village which is so clicky, I hate the school runs. J keep myself to myself because it’s easier than trying to engage a conversation. I’m never going to my self to suit another person I prefer to my me. I’m real through and through. I could and never will be fake and I honestly don’t know how fake people sleep at night stringing people along. I think fake people in the end will be the lonely ones.
Being unable to switch off is a bitch. The last four nights have been a struggle, I can go to sleep but I wake couple of hours later and unable to drift off, I lay there wide awake staring into the darkness cursing away as well as counting down the hours until the new day begins.
Problem with insomnia it can affect your mood through out the day, it’s catching up to me. The lack sleep is causing me to be short tempered, unable to concentrate and irritable. I’m feeling tired through the day too. I work like a dog, I exercise and I have the children to care for and the house to keep on top off and with my busy life you would think my brain would have no problem staying asleep. I don’t understand why all of a sudden I’m having a bout of insomnia. Last time I was like this it lasted 6 months before i sought help as it was beginning not affect my day to day life.
I’m dreading the evening and going to bed because I’m thinking will I actually stay asleep? I’ve been having very bad night sweats too ( possibly my medication) which don’t help the matter, I wake up soaked through and bedding damp. I feel utterly grossed out by it.
When I do manage to fall sleep it’s daylight and the children will soon wake me up so it’s not a proper sleep, not even deep enough to be unconscious because consciously I know I will have to wake up very soon. It sucks. I wouldn’t wish insomnia on anybody, it’s miserable. In the early hours of the morning it’s a very lonely time. Everyone in the house is asleep including the puppy. Except me with my thoughts.
I admit it I care too much about friends and family I can be kind, generous and will do anything for anybody but does this make me over caring? Am I open for people to take me fore granted? Does it make me a fool?
I am compassionate and if some one needs my help in a crisis in there ready to give a hand or a shoulder, I think as a child i nobody gave a shit about me so I completely understand how it feels to be uncared for and as an adult I like to look after people. When I was growing up i always wanted to be a paramedic, but my GCSE grades were poor because I didn’t have the support I needed. I was alone doing them and working so struggled to find the time to revise and with things being difficult at the time, my exams were the last thing on my mind, I was a failure and because as I was growing up and I was told I was useless it stuck. I couldn’t even manage to get good grades in my exams so my dream of being a paramedic vanished.
As a teenager I lost hope in the world and the people merely getting by and existing, feeling isolated and no one I could turn to to ask for help. It was an awful time and a time at my lowest I had tried suicide and I even failed at that, obviously.
It’s in my nature to want to help others, I can’t bear the thought of others suffering, no matter the problem I will try and help whether it’s advice or even going to the shop and getting bread because they are poorly. Is it normal to be so kind or am i desperate to be liked by others? I always scared of what other people think of me, it’s a paranoia I can’t seem to shake.
I want to bring comfort to people, even with my blog I want to bring comfort to those in the same boat as me, knowing they are not alone in the rollercoaster rider of mental health.
I am now successful of course not in my dream career but I’m a company director of my family business and I work very hard, I am lucky where I am today and I never thought I would be here.
Why do we get mental health disorders? Why can some people go through life without suffering from depression or any other form of mental health issue? I understand why people who have been through a trauma develop PTSD but why others? It’s so complicated and so common yet so very ignored by society.
Why do people abuse children and others? Why do people rape and murder other people? Is there something wrong with the person? Why do I exist? Why is the world a fucked up planet? Is there answers to my whys? Or have I missed something?
Last couple of days I’ve been a little emotional and tired and maybe due to the Easter over eaten a little and I’m feeling incredibly uncomfortable in my skin. I said to my husband the other day why does he find me attractive? He looked at me like I had a grown a 3rd head and he knows I know the answer to the question but I guess I was seeking reassurance from him.
I’ve developed some spots and I have dark circles under my eyes due to fatigue. I look ugly, why do I look ugly? Why can’t I be flawless? I don’t have time to add a skin care regime into my already busy schedules day. Im lucky enough to have 4 minutes a day to brush my teeth and 5 minutes to shower. I guess that’s called being a mum.
Zeus makes me smile during my crappy thoughts, his kind eyes and gentle face melts my heart. He is feeling well and because of this he had an excited buck while I was riding him, don’t worry I didn’t fall off but found it all too amusing. He enjoyed a roll in the ménage yesterday after being stabled. Zeus was funny to watch.
Mental health sucks.