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Exercise aplenty.

Lately, I’ve literally taken my health kick seriously as well as trying to keep myself fit. I love the feeling I get after a run, it’s addictive and I always feel great for doing it. I’m running 5k most days, walking 5k every day as well as horse riding, yoga, and some pilates. I feel guilty and basically, rubbish if I don’t do anything.  I had even turned down cake!

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Mentally I’ve been great, been taking my medication as I should be without it I slip into the darkness again, I don’t ever want to go there again for as long as I live, its frightening place to be, your mind is literally your enemy! Thing is when you’re in a dark hole it is hard to scramble out of, its a lonely and isolating feeling adding to the overwhelming feelings you already have. I’m just grateful that such medications exist!

Exercise is great for the mind, and if you wake up feeling like utter rubbish a brisk 15 minutes stroll can make you feel better, the fresh air. It’s hard to take the steps out of the door, at my lowest low I couldn’t get out of bed. Depression leaves you feeling fatigued and tired especially if you have insomnia too. Many people with mental health issues soon find coping strategies or something that helps to boost your spirits. Whether it is painting, reading, doing a puzzle it’s keeping your mind from wandering.

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I’ve learned yoga helps with my stresses of day to day life, I have to be flexible to ride Zeus but I really enjoy how the stretches make me feel and it takes me like 30 minutes a day and alongside some soothing, relaxing music it great. Highly recommend it and you don’t have to flexible to start! I always try to think of ways to help myself and like to share these with people especially with people like me who have had or having a hard time with mental health. Because depression, BDD, PTSD, eating disorders, Bipolar they are all soul-destroying, the destroy you as a person. Same goes for those battling addictions. You push people who care and love you away. The more support you have the greater your recovery, seeking help is very important to help you to become who you are again.

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I just wish I never left it so long…but from the years of suffering, my non-existent shitty childhood has made me the person I am today. I’m caring, compassionate, loyal, generous, kind and will do my utmost to help somebody. I’m a shoulder to cry on and any problems shared are problems halved.

Karina

 

Suspicious

via Daily Prompt: Suspicious
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/suspicious/
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I guess due to my upbringing i will always be suspicious and weary of people. It took me a long time to let Shaun in as i had a worry and fear of men and had this illusion that all men were the same, obviously this image has changed as i know there are some decent chaps out there, but there still some sadistic ones.

I wont climb in to a taxi on my own with a male driver, I will always request a female driver. I don’t like the idea of being in a car with a man i don’t know from eve., i will always do things like this to be protect myself. Even as a teenager you would find boys who were happy to try to help themselves to my personal bodily goods with out a second thought of how i would feel about it. I guess being sexually abused as a child, im automatically tuned to protect myself from coming to harm from another male being.

It’s not just men though, as a naive teenage with no guidance from nobody i wa sucked into thinking people cared for me yet they didn’t. I was used by these people and most of the times physically assaulted from something i hadn’t done, at this time of my life it was incredibly lonely. I was living in a hostel and never knew where my mother was, i was around 15 years old and in high school trying to do my GSCE’s i was too scared to seek help from school staff. I struggled at school and my no fixed abode was embarrassing, it wa some dark times. I soon learnt my mother was up to her promiscuous ways going from one man to the next and when i eventually found her in yet another doomed relationship. She made me feel sick I wa always suspicious of her actions.

At 15 years old i found alcohol, drinking numbed the pain and even one night drunk so much i was barely conscious. My mother had then moved in with yet another man, who found if funny that her teenage daughter was paralytic on vodka and yet been easily lead astray. I always succumbed to peer pressure, i desperately wanted to be like by people and succumbing to the pressure was my way of hoping that somebody might just like me, my mother didn’t, other families were not around. It was just me. I didn’t know where i would be from one day to the next. It was actually frightening, and my mind was already fragile then. I still have times of paranoia of people, i don’t know if this will change, i guess i will always be weary of people’s true intentions.

Karina

I’m looking for stories.

I’m looking for stories of people who have battled or going through mental health disorders or people who have survived traumas. We can break the silence and the stigma surrounding mental health, we can get it noticed! We should not have to feel ashamed of our conditions, we are Humans. We also give other people HOPE. Hope that we can overcome mental health disorders, that together we can out mental health on the social map. I will also share your blog too.

Let me know if you would like to participate.

Karina ❤️

I feel Great.

Today I went for my first run for a pretty long time and was surprised at how fit I was as I completed 5k in 35 minutes, actually I was shocked. But doing a lot of walking and riding I guess that has contributed to my overall fitness. I’m wanting to participate in the Great East Anglian Run this year and it’s a 10k one so need to get out there. I forgot the feeling of euphoria you get after running, I feel bloody amazing! I would definitely recommend it to help with mental health as well improve fitness and help with weight loss or weight management. ( please visit your primary physician before undergoing high impact exercise for the first time especially if you have health conditions)

I believe I did write in previous posts the importance exercise has on mental wellbeing as well as physical, and I will encourage people to go out and have a walk or do yoga if your having a bad day because it can make all the difference your wellbeing.

The benefits of running are great:

  1. It boosts your confidence.
  2. Helps with weight loss ( alongside a healthy diet)
  3. Relieves stress- yes it does!
  4. Can help eliminate depression ( of course alongside any therapy and medication you are prescribed for your physiological wellbeing)
  5. It’s a killer leg work out ( I’m now starting to ache)
  6. Actually helps prevent cardiovascular diseases.
  7. Runners high is great!
  8. And best of all it’s free and you need are some quality running trainers!

Not to shabby eh? Oh and some calories can be burnt too.

Karina ❤️

It’s Been a Yucky Week

I woke up Monday just passed feeling under the weather and being me I brushed my ailing symptoms under the rug hoping they would disappear. I popped some painkillers and went on with my day working, caring for the boys then horse riding, time I finished riding the temperature had dropped to -1 degrees so a little below freezing.

Unbeknown to me through sweating then cooling down in my damp clothing after riding I inevitably caused my symptoms to worsen. I woke early hours Tuesday morning freezing yet sweating with my throat feeling like i had swallowed a cheese grater, great. I hate being ill because it means I have to slow down, something I don’t like doing.

I vomited later that morning and I can only assume that with my pyrexia, aching body and the feeling that my head was in a vice I was coming down the flu, even though I had been given the vaccination. Great, because I don’t have time for the flu!

I soldiered on through the day at work and managed a walk afterwards, come Wednesday I was feeling even more worse for wear but again cracked on with the day like i normally do and of course come Thursday I couldn’t move and cried several times because everything hurt, my body was screaming. I had to start making my little boy’s birthday cake who turned 2 yesterday (9th Feb) it was awful but I wanted to get his cake finished and no sooner had i completed it Thursday I felt utterly rubbish and fell into bed. I felt so rough.

Friday the day of my little boys birthday was hard work, I hadn’t eaten properly in 4 days and I wanted to make his day special. Despite my ill health he had a great day.

Maybe if I hadn’t ignored my symptoms on the Monday then i wouldn’t have got into a hideous state through out the week. Today I was forced to rest on the couch which I absolutely hate because I feel useless, a feeling I can’t bare and by the end of the day i was feeling irritated and cranky and became a little snappy at my husband.

Because I’m so active and then it all stops makes me feel on edge I like to be busy and if I’m kept busy it keeps my mind from wandering where I don’t want it to wonder. Not wanting to admit it but a day of rest has helped and not had take nearly as many painkillers as I had to do over the week. I don’t think I will take being healthy for granted ever again! Flu sucks. Next time i shall I listen to my body.

Karina ❤️

Paedophile

You crept in the night,

I layed awake with fright,

I would pray with all my might,

That you would go away

Here I am taking a bath,

You come in a shut the door,

You evil sociopath,

You must think I’m your whore,

I’m just a child,

Your fingers are in me

why can’t you leave me be?

Your asking if I like it?

I’m just a little girl!

Your hands are touching,

I’m holding back tears,

With all my might I’m clutching,

Shivering with tears

Your a filthy pervert,

You tell it’s because you love me,

I’m your special little girl,

Our little secret.

Your sexual abuse,

May not have left a bruise,

Left me with more than that,

My innocence was marred,

My brain is forever scarred

I felt dirty and shame,

Which left me with an unbearable pain,

I thought you was my daddy,

Your nothing but a paedophile

I hope you will rot in hell,

But hey guess what?

I’m no longer going to dwell

In woman doing so well!

Karina ❤️

Woes

They were cruel and full of hate

I wished for it to abate

Fear and sadness filled my life

Abuse and neglect was so rife

As an adult it affected me so

Having days at an all time low

My thoughts running away

Every night when I lay

PTSD was my diagnosis

Forever I thought I would be broken

Especially when the depression takes hold

And I could not be consoled

I await with anxious trepidation

For the nasty invasion,

Of pain and grief that burdens me

For one day I will be totally free

I am in healing,

And explain all my feelings

To those who listen

To take me out of my mental prison

Recovery out of this depression

So long awaited heaven

For I shall always take my medication

And be a good little patient

For thanks I have for my husband

Who was ever so reluctant

To see me into self destruction

For his love for me was so great

My shoulders are lighter

My future looks brighter

No more will have these burdens

Now jumped over hurdles

This is the first time I’ve ever written a poem I suppose you call it, I always worry if my blog is worth reading or if I make sense or if people understand. I strive for perfection which is exhausting!

Karina ❤️