Inner sinister

Today I feel the familiar feeling of inner rage, like a red mist descending on me for no obvious reason, apart from the fact I’m due on my monthly so could be pms.

My routine has changed somewhat today which does not help either and being with the children amongst their screams and demands while in trying to clean the house is only aggravating me. Im starting to feel agitated and I don’t like it. It gets to the point where I have no patience and get snappy and basically turn into a bitch.

I’m also feeling fat, Fat, FAt and FAT! I hold more water than hoover damn. I work out 5 days a week and been doing a strict routine of exercise for the last 6 weeks and I’m struggling to see anything yet my husband reassures me that my body is changing and toning up, I really can’t see it. I see what I always see. Ugliness, fat and basically a disgusting sort of monster human.

I feel shitty today, and I’m struggling to find my way through the red mist which will soon turn to dense fog if I don’t try and sort my ridiculous brain out. I think it rules me not the other way around. Maybe I need a punchbag? I could say I have loads of energy but I spent that walking 1.5 hrs this morning and being anaemic doesn’t help my energy levels either.

I’m also tired. Me being tired=crankiness. I bet narky over be smallest of things, even the most ridiculous of stuff. I try not too but sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming that I can’t stop myself. I sound horrible don’t I. Maybe I’m always going to be unhinged?


It’s not just women…

There seems to be the belief that only women are affected by mental health and that men are emotionless creatures who are built for toughness. This is very much not true and even the toughest of guys can succumb to mental health issues, in fact the majority of suicides are indeed men.

Unfortunately unlike women, men are unlikely to seek help for their symptoms due to feeling embarrassed and discriminated and feel they won’t be understood. Men can be affected by all mental health issues including body image and eating disorders. The stigma for men with mental health disorders is so great that they feel there is no option left but to end their life. Their are many charities now trying to change that, to change people’s opinions on mental health.

Men won’t see their GP in the fear of feeling they are wasting the time of that doctor. A good doctor will sit and listen to their patient with patience and understanding and work out a plan to help you get better. Medication may be prescribed as well trying therapy like CBT but this does depend on the mental health issue.

Like women, men can feel incredibly lonely during a battle with a mental health issue or when it becomes a crisis they are most likely to seek help when there are thoughts of suicide and self harming. It sad that many won’t make that call. We need to change the perspective on mental health for men, make a change and show society actually men can suffer too. It does not make them weak or pathetic, a man that seeks help is inspiring, courageous and strong. It takes so much effort to realise that hey I’m struggling mentally. I need to speak to someone.

To all the men please don’t suffer in silence. Speak to your wife, partner, family or your doctor. Your not alone on the battle, your in to win the war.


Underground Suicide

Today me and my husband spent the day in London City after a we spent the evening watching an Ed Sheeran Gig with friends and a chilled night at a cosy hotel. I love London for its architecture and history, and after all it’s the capital city of England.

London Underground is heaving with people, faces you will never see again pass you by deep under the ground all making their way to their destinations. You can hear the rumble of the trains speeding along the tracks and masses of people line the platforms waiting for the train. Then you hear the tannoy, a ‘person on the tracks’ and delays on that line. This means someone has taken their life. You can hear the moans and groans of the people who may be effected by the delay, not actually thinking about the person who was so desperate to take their own life and what they must have been going through at the time to take that action.

The London Underground is a popular area for suicide and suicide attempts and has been since the tubes opened back on the 19th century, it’s relatively common for a body to be on the tracks. Of course they have ways to prevent death or limit life changing injuries by putting in a ‘suicide pit’ a hole beneath the rails on which the train passes over the person until they can be retrieved, that’s unless they have not hit the middle, live track which is running at 640volts and will result in instant death. There is roughly one death a week on the London Underground.

Those luckily enough to survive are usually charged with offences such as trespassing.

As well as the person who was clearly suffering mentally who died but the i dread to think of the impact it has on the train driver and witnesses, it would be heart wrenching to see as well as even causing the witnesses and the driver to develop mental health issues later on, it’s something that will never leave you, I’m sure of that. Many can develop PTSD.

Mental health and what it does to person is so damaging, depression itself can cause feelings of despair, feeling useless and worthless and not having anything to live for, it is also hard for a person to recognise they are poorly, I did for years. In denial about my mental health and blamed everyone’s else behaviour when it was actually my own. I didn’t want to admit I was poorly and fragile.

After today’s incident I feel not just for the person who jumped ( I’m unsure wether they survived or not) but for the train driver and the witnesses.

Anyone who feels suicidal should try and seek help, there is always someone there to help and listen.


What’s your Passion?


Me and Zeus. A bay Thoroughbred, ex-racehorse.


We all have our own passions in life whether it’s writing, stamp collecting or dogs and cats or drawing. We all have that one thing in life that makes us smile.

Mine is Equines, or in English, Horses. Everything equestrian I love. My passion is horses, especially Zeus who has been in my life now 15 months now and I have loved every single second of being with him, I love him dearly. Many people assume you get on and go, it’s not as simple as that and is more complex than it looks but incredibly enjoyable. If you have never ridden a horse, I definitely highly recommend it and one for your bucket list if you have one. It is so rewarding.

Now, of course, its animal, animals have minds of their own and are unpredictable. Zeus can be argumentative at times when I’m riding him but it’s down to perseverance and trust, I always win.  I could not live my life without him, he’s part of the family.

I know a fair bit about horses, but I love learning more and more about them, expanding my knowledge. I’ve learnt from an excellent teacher and still am as such. I always want to improve my riding and have the potential come out of me and Zeus. We all want to better ourselves at a particular subject we enjoy very much.  Being around horses is also a great therapy for me, especially on bad days.

What is your passion in life?

Image result for passion in life

I was Broken


As a child I was broken, broken by people who I called my parents. My heart-broken along with my mind. I use to think i was not fixable, permanently damaged from the pain i suffered emotionally and physically. I often wondered if i would grow old with the weight of my problems sitting heavy on brittle shoulders. For years i endured this burden, my mind being a broken video player. Repeating the same painful scenarios, in my thoughts and my dreams, penetrating every part of my life.

Then I sought help and realised I was actually fixable.

I will never be able to erase my past, its part of my but I find ways to manage my mental health, not just through medication but by talking about it, opening up. Writing about it is also cathartic, pushing aside stigma that is attached to mental health.  I am proud of my recovery because i honestly though i would be stuck in the world of PTSD, depression and BDD for ever, and that is frightening. It put everything i worked hard for on the line as well as the pressure i was putting myself under and my family. I was mentally very unwell, it took me a long time to realise what was happening to me, i thought it was all normal, that it was my destiny to suffer. I was born suffering so i assumed my whole life would be the same, a curse.

Many people look at mental health through rose-coloured glasses, pretend it does not exist. The reality is, it’s very real. Many conditions are treatable with medication, therapy, EMDR and such like. Many of those who have mental health issues can go on to lead a normal life. We can be unbroken.

I now realise that i am loved by my family , by friends and family. I use to think everyone i had an ulterior motive, my trust was non-existent. I had a paranoia that leached on my insecurities, i had created a brick wall with turrets and red flags below a dark, swilring, thunderous clouds and heavy rain. My brick wall has slowly come down and a little picket fence is going up, I will somewhat always be cautious and guarded, to me that’s my now built-in instinct, until i get to know someone and feel i can trust them.

When you have been broken down piece by piece you can slowly build yourself up and repair and heal. There will always be a worry of relapse for me, but if i take good care of myself and take my prescribed medication i should stay unbroken.


no longer broken










Okay, so is okay to share your thoughts and feelings either through blogging or social media? Is it okay to be so open about mental health? Do we open ourselves up for people to be hurtful maybe?

I think no, sharing I think helps a burden, lessens the load and becomes inspirational to those who suffer in silence, those who see no hope and can’t see through the trees in the wood, to me talking about it helps me and others. To know it’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to open and talk about it.

Many celebrities do the same and many people see them as a hero for doing so, after all it takes great courage to open about it when your in the public eye. After all celebrities are still human regardless of their status in society. We are not all immune to it.

It took me a really long time to seek help properly, it took me a long time to talk to my husband about it. I use to push people away with my behaviour because of mental health and I don’t expect them to funny understand how I’m feeling but to have some compassion and have a shoulder to cry on when the going to gets tough. Luckily my husband it exactly that and has the patience in the world, he still has his limits though. We all do.

A problem shared is a problem halved, it makes it smaller, bite size even. Talking about it to me is now important more than ever. It never use to be, it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, everyone has their own way of dealing with a mental health issue, just don’t suffer in silence. Loneliness is one of the worst things to feel in the world, the isolation that comes with mental health is suffocating.

I want to inspire…..


Mental Health is Awkward

Suffering from a mental health condition is an uncomfortable feeling but talking about it can be awkward and having someone to understand how you feel is just as hard.

Many people will not open up about depression or bipolar because of the fear of being discriminated or having someone turn their back on them, I never use to be able to talk about it, I would bottle it up inside and admittedly it would get to much and I would lash out. It’s a difficult feeling to control. Having had many mental health issues in be past I would wear a mask and that mask would slide of my face as soon as I was home. I didn’t want to make anyone feel awkward even i I was feeling awkward myself.

In social situations there are times I have felt very uncomfortable usually at a wedding or a party, it would take me a while for my anxiety to ease up, maybe because being an introvert parties are generally not my thing. As a child I was never invited to a birthday party or even had one myself so I guess I was not very well socialised as a child.

I can be very shy, I can find it hard to strike a conversation with someone I don’t know unless I’ve had a drink and like most people your lose your inhibitions so it becomes easy and you relax. Alcohol does have that great feeling on someone who is an inward person like myself. Unfortunately if I was to bump into a said person in the street I would most likely cross the road and pretend I didn’t see them, so I find it difficult to make friends for this very reason, probably because I may be seen as odd.

Mental health is an awful thing and what does to your train of thought, the carriages come straight of the track and down the embankment and it’s hard to get them back on the rails again. In a room full of people I don’t know I derail. I get paranoid about how I may look or if I’m being stared at even though that is not the case. I’m learning to let my hair down slightly and try find myself to become less awkward in social situations.

Nobody should feel uncomfortable about how they feel when it comes to mental health it’s more common than people realise unfortunately. It’s definitely not a rare thing! Most people will suffer with depression at some point in their lives.