The Scrutiny

I always seems to find a way to scrutinise myself in the mirror, windows, car doors etc of how I look. Eight look at those thighs or those grosse enlarged pores on my face alongside the spots that have emerged.

The weather has been hot so it’s been shorts and dresses, I’m careful choosing what I wear nothing to short, this can end up me changing times several times before I feel good enough to be seen out in public. I don’t think I’m going to be perfect in a sense of my body. What ever perfect is because I’m not sure what that really is anymore. Too thin your shamed too curvy your body shamed, there’s no in between.

Many of the reasons many people turn to eating disorders and suffer from body dysmorphia because we feel we are too ugly, too imperfect. Everyone has body hang ups but this goes way beyond that, it interferes with your life. It’s soul destroying. If I was allowed I would be seeing a dr tomorrow to have the fat sucked from my monstrous thighs, my husband has a different opinion but I wished I felt the same. I would love to be body confident.

I work out 3/4 times a week, a walk 3/4 mikes every single day pushing a double pushchair, I ride Zeus 4 times a week, I then have my house chores and the children on top, I’m far from sedentary and more often I forget to eat lunch because I’m busy doing other things. I like to be busy to keep my mind occupied, being still is not healthy for me at all.

I don’t give myself as much as a hard time as I use too. Therapy helped with that, I still have days where I look in the mirror and I feel disgusting at what I see. Im my own bully.

Karina

Author: karinao86

Mother of 3 boys, wife to one man and lover of horses. Mental health sufferer in recovery.

4 thoughts on “The Scrutiny”

  1. I’m in the same mindset as you are. I cringe every time I see my reflection. My friend took me clothes shopping the other day and I felt ugly in everything I tried on. I even find myself saying out loud, “God, you’re ugly!” Loving my body is the greatest struggle I have at the moment. I’m forty pounds overweight – most of it in my belly, butt, and thighs. I’m eating healthier, but I’ve been sedentary for so long it’s difficult to get my body moving – plus I have back pain issues. Anyway, thanks for sharing. I know I’m not alone in hating body my, but it’s good to be reminded that others are also struggling with this issue.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It does not make you feel great does it. Have you tried walking? I suffer with my knees and hips ( from years of pounding the concrete running) it’s gentle on the back and joints and it’s a great way to become healthy as well as boost those endorphins to help you feel good about yourself. Be kind to yourself ❀️

      Like

      1. I’ve tried walking every once in a while. On good days I can do about a mile before my back becomes too painful and I have to stop. Sometimes I can do up to a half an hour of Qi Gong. I will keep on trying and I will try to be kind and patient with myself. πŸ’–

        Liked by 1 person

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