Inner sinister

Today I feel the familiar feeling of inner rage, like a red mist descending on me for no obvious reason, apart from the fact I’m due on my monthly so could be pms.

My routine has changed somewhat today which does not help either and being with the children amongst their screams and demands while in trying to clean the house is only aggravating me. Im starting to feel agitated and I don’t like it. It gets to the point where I have no patience and get snappy and basically turn into a bitch.

I’m also feeling fat, Fat, FAt and FAT! I hold more water than hoover damn. I work out 5 days a week and been doing a strict routine of exercise for the last 6 weeks and I’m struggling to see anything yet my husband reassures me that my body is changing and toning up, I really can’t see it. I see what I always see. Ugliness, fat and basically a disgusting sort of monster human.

I feel shitty today, and I’m struggling to find my way through the red mist which will soon turn to dense fog if I don’t try and sort my ridiculous brain out. I think it rules me not the other way around. Maybe I need a punchbag? I could say I have loads of energy but I spent that walking 1.5 hrs this morning and being anaemic doesn’t help my energy levels either.

I’m also tired. Me being tired=crankiness. I bet narky over be smallest of things, even the most ridiculous of stuff. I try not too but sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming that I can’t stop myself. I sound horrible don’t I. Maybe I’m always going to be unhinged?

Karina

Author: karinao86

Mother of 3 boys, wife to one man and lover of horses. Mental health sufferer in recovery.

2 thoughts on “Inner sinister”

  1. Oh Karina…
    I can SO relate to this!
    I suffer with uncontrollable teary times during PMS which then lead into the red mist. Everything feels like it’s out to annoy or drag me down and all I want to do is hide away somewhere safe.
    I tend to do little things which help somewhat… one of which is I have a different set of clothes that I will use when i’m on my period. They are looser and more flowing and even though the FAT FAT FAT feelings are still in my mind, they don’t seem so evident on my body.
    One thing I will say… it will pass… until next month !
    Blessings to you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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