As a child I was broken, broken by people who I called my parents. My heart-broken along with my mind. I use to think i was not fixable, permanently damaged from the pain i suffered emotionally and physically. I often wondered if i would grow old with the weight of my problems sitting heavy on brittle shoulders. For years i endured this burden, my mind being a broken video player. Repeating the same painful scenarios, in my thoughts and my dreams, penetrating every part of my life.
Then I sought help and realised I was actually fixable.
I will never be able to erase my past, its part of my but I find ways to manage my mental health, not just through medication but by talking about it, opening up. Writing about it is also cathartic, pushing aside stigma that is attached to mental health. I am proud of my recovery because i honestly though i would be stuck in the world of PTSD, depression and BDD for ever, and that is frightening. It put everything i worked hard for on the line as well as the pressure i was putting myself under and my family. I was mentally very unwell, it took me a long time to realise what was happening to me, i thought it was all normal, that it was my destiny to suffer. I was born suffering so i assumed my whole life would be the same, a curse.
Many people look at mental health through rose-coloured glasses, pretend it does not exist. The reality is, it’s very real. Many conditions are treatable with medication, therapy, EMDR and such like. Many of those who have mental health issues can go on to lead a normal life. We can be unbroken.
I now realise that i am loved by my family , by friends and family. I use to think everyone i had an ulterior motive, my trust was non-existent. I had a paranoia that leached on my insecurities, i had created a brick wall with turrets and red flags below a dark, swilring, thunderous clouds and heavy rain. My brick wall has slowly come down and a little picket fence is going up, I will somewhat always be cautious and guarded, to me that’s my now built-in instinct, until i get to know someone and feel i can trust them.
When you have been broken down piece by piece you can slowly build yourself up and repair and heal. There will always be a worry of relapse for me, but if i take good care of myself and take my prescribed medication i should stay unbroken.