An emotion I use to feel on a daily basis, an emotion that makes you feel panicky and anxious. An emotion that can overcome you in any sort of mental health illness.
As a child, I had many frantic moments, far too many at such age. The fear of what to expect when I walked through the front door after school or the frantic feeling when you have accidentally wet yourself at school and you hope and prey that no one would be home to see that I have had an accident at 12-13 Years old. Thinking about I was a timid, frightened child, my life was far from enjoyable. I was a worrier and even now I can worry about the small things for no reason.
I remember as a teenager and one of my mother’s boyfriend’s was stabbed, I was frantic she attended to him but I had no one to attend to me, I was 15 years old. Nobody asked to see if I was okay. Not a single person. I sat alone in the pub opposite to where the stabbing took place, staring out of the window with tears falling down my already soaked cheeks. I felt very alone and nobody was looking out for me, my mother had gone with him to the hospital. The stabbing turned out not to be serious and few stitches that was all that was required.
Where was everyone in this crisis of my life? Family? So called friends? Even social services? I can’t even remember what happened afterwards, it is like my brain has blanked it out. I was exhausted, life then was exhausting. The weight of the world was heavy on my young shoulders. I was not living but existing. My life was very frantic.