life itself is not a straight sail on the river but full of meanders and waterfalls, life would be pretty dull right if it was just a straight forward. Sometimes though it is nice to have a day of calmness, peace and quiet. Those days are very rare for me being a mother and a wife but I wouldn’t change it for the world because they are my life, it’s who I’m devoted too. Everybody’s life journey is different, don’t get me wrong some are easier than others and my journey into life as been far from great!
Many times my boat has got caught up on the wrong path to self destruction on the river of pain. When I my mental health hit the bottom I struggled with everyday living. Caring for the children was extremely difficult and days I found it very hard to cope. It did not dare tell anyone I was struggling with the children, to me that would have felt like a failure, that I was letting them down. My river was more like Rapids on these occasions, to fast for me to tread the water so I was drowning instead. My boat sinking and my sails caught in the trees of despair.
Around every meander there was a grief inside of me, it’s tragic because I had everything in life. I had my husband, my children and a beautiful home yet my brain was irrational, thoughts were dangerous and I felt a constant fatigue. I couldn’t find comfort in anything. I was a lost soul who felt I didn’t have a purpose, useless even. I don’t think I was ever meant to be in this world. My mother told me countless times she nearly had me aborted.
Since therapy my river waters are calmer and around every meander there are is happiness and sense of relief even. The darkness has passed and the sun shines, I do worry about replapsing because it’s not a great feeling when your plunged in the darkness of depression. You can’t see through the storm and you feel you have no fight left in you, you succumb to your thoughts.
Our journey of life is never going to be easy but it should be enjoyable and mistakes we make we learn by them. We stay true to ourselves and show compassion to others. We lean on those we love and care for, talking openly about our feelings, sharing our problems it’s makes it so much easier this way. It has taken me a long time to learn this, to slowly unbuild the wall I had around me. There is possibly a few bricks around me and I still have trust issues but that’s me protecting myself. I don’t want to feel hurt again.