It frightens me, ageing frightens me but last night I had this overwhelming fear of dying and leaving behind my husband and children. The thought of never seeing their faces was too much I burst into tears, I have no idea where it came from but it was intense.
The feeling of my children having no mother was awful, my 2 year old is very attached to me and I all I could imagine was him calling me and I’m unable to answer, I’m welling up as i type this. Rueben is my last baby, and I actually makes me feel sad that he is growing up so fast.
I think being stuck in the house because of the adverse weather conditions are not helping, I have cabin fever. I don’t cope being stuck in, I like to run and go for walks. I’ve been unable to ride because of the snow and frankly I’m getting fed up with it all, I don’t know how people cope in cold places like Russia, Siberia and Canada! It’s like my idea of hell this bitter, cold weather.
I’ve been stressed and my patience has been lacking, being poorly isn’t helping the situation either, I did yoga last night which did help reduce my stress levels but the children are fed up being stuck in the house too, they are winey and don’t give me 2 minutes to pee in peace. I can’t wait for the change in weather, and be warmer!
I know we all have an ending at some point, I would like to think I’ll live into my nighties but then at the age you will expect death, but I guess it doesn’t mean your not immune to be scared of it, not being able to see the ones you love ever again. Death happens on the daily, old age, terminal illnesses or suddenly. I know it’s going to happen eventually but I must not dwell on it, I’ve obviously had too much time on my hands to think about it. I guess I feel I have so much to do, my life was very much not lived growing up from a toddler to my teens.