I guess due to my upbringing i will always be suspicious and weary of people. It took me a long time to let Shaun in as i had a worry and fear of men and had this illusion that all men were the same, obviously this image has changed as i know there are some decent chaps out there, but there still some sadistic ones.
I wont climb in to a taxi on my own with a male driver, I will always request a female driver. I don’t like the idea of being in a car with a man i don’t know from eve., i will always do things like this to be protect myself. Even as a teenager you would find boys who were happy to try to help themselves to my personal bodily goods with out a second thought of how i would feel about it. I guess being sexually abused as a child, im automatically tuned to protect myself from coming to harm from another male being.
It’s not just men though, as a naive teenage with no guidance from nobody i wa sucked into thinking people cared for me yet they didn’t. I was used by these people and most of the times physically assaulted from something i hadn’t done, at this time of my life it was incredibly lonely. I was living in a hostel and never knew where my mother was, i was around 15 years old and in high school trying to do my GSCE’s i was too scared to seek help from school staff. I struggled at school and my no fixed abode was embarrassing, it wa some dark times. I soon learnt my mother was up to her promiscuous ways going from one man to the next and when i eventually found her in yet another doomed relationship. She made me feel sick I wa always suspicious of her actions.
At 15 years old i found alcohol, drinking numbed the pain and even one night drunk so much i was barely conscious. My mother had then moved in with yet another man, who found if funny that her teenage daughter was paralytic on vodka and yet been easily lead astray. I always succumbed to peer pressure, i desperately wanted to be like by people and succumbing to the pressure was my way of hoping that somebody might just like me, my mother didn’t, other families were not around. It was just me. I didn’t know where i would be from one day to the next. It was actually frightening, and my mind was already fragile then. I still have times of paranoia of people, i don’t know if this will change, i guess i will always be weary of people’s true intentions.