PTSD is usually a mental illness that is associated with soldiers who have fought battles and seen the horrors of war, but this is not the case. It can in fact effect anybody who has experienced a trauma for instance neglect, child abuse or even being involved in a car accident. PTSD can literally take over and rule your life, it’s a bitch of a mental illness to have.
What’s it like living with a brain that doesn’t recover from trauma?
Its awful, your brain likes to give you these reminders and memories of the things I endured as a child, I keep myself busy to combat those memories.It’s like painful memoirs being played in my mind on rewind again and again. At times I couldn’t concentrate at work and find myself staring into space, feeling numb. Distraction is key to combating it and it has become a coping mechanism. Psychological therapy has helped me immensely in this.
The weird thing I have is also I find I have pieces missing from my life, stuff I can’t puzzle together and how I have lost years without thinking about it, I know it sounds strange but I literally can’t think of anything that may have happened in a particular year. It’s like my brain has shut down from it and won’t go back there so I have I no idea it’s like I jumped from one year to the next it’s down right confusing!
Another thing about PTSD you blame yourself for everything, you find it difficult to trust people and you have a burden of shame but the emotion that was worse for me, the raw one was anger and hate. I hated everybody who was involved in my suffering the anger I felt was mind blowing. I know if I came face to face with these people I would run the other way. I remember when I was pregnant with my middle child and I saw my mother and sister in town. I felt sick and burst into tears. I was shaking I was so distressed I had to go home. How dare she still have that affect on me!!!! Why doesn’t she just fuck off to the whore ditch she came from.
People may assume that I’m living in the past and that I should just get over it, it’s not as simple as that. It takes time, time to heal and time to reset my brain that I’m no longer going to get hurt or abandoned by people and that I’m loved and have a family of my own who worship me. PTSD is not a choice but an affliction, it certainly doesn’t mean I’m weak!
Now my anger has waned as well as my irritability and my mood swings hardly exist now as long as I look after myself I should be okay. Relapse is a big concern of course but I can help that by giving my self a break. There are days where I’m giving myself a hard time, where I put myself under pressure but the next day tends to be easier. I’ve learnt to relax a little only a little mind.