They’ve not won. I won’t let my past haunt me, that means they win. I’ve only got time for winning especially when it comes to my mental health. Being stable minded is important not just for myself but for my family.
I’ve survived being sexually abused as a young child, I dreaded bath times that’s when it was likely to happen or if I’m being punished. To my siblings I was getting my ass beat but in fact I was being touched in places that robbed me of my innocence but at my tender young age (I would have been around 5ish) I thought it was normal, like when daddies loved their little girls. I soon learnt what was done was awfully wrong, disturbing and disgusting. He also wasn’t my father even though I was brought up to believe so. I was the black sheep- he was the father of my siblings.
I survived being emotionally abused. I was “pathetic” “useless” “waste of space” “spawn of the devil” “thick” “stupid” the list goes on. These words and others are damaging to a child that is growing and developing. They are harsh, I was never praised for anything. I wasn’t told I was loved. My childhood was far from normal. These words stuck like glue and it got to the point where I believed them. That they were true, that I was a dumb bitch. In life now I still second guess everything I do.
I survived physical abuse. Being held up by my throat against the wall by my siblings father while he is frothing at the mouth like some fucking rabid dog for something I suppose to have done. The other man who abused us, my mother had married, enjoyed smacking us about too. Usually with a slipper across the arse or a smack to the head. Being hurt like this as a child was very much on a daily basis, I was a miserable miserable child.
I’ve survived suicide attempts. I’ve tried to take my life 3 times. Usually it was popping as many pain killers I could possibly get my hands on. First attempt was in high school, I was in my last year at school, I had taken around 50 cocadmol ( codeine plus paracetamol) I was found unconscious in the toilets at school and was rushed to hospital. I wasn’t long before I was vomiting violently as my body tried to expel the drugs. I was so scared because I was alive and I knew that as soon as I was discharged I would be given shit. And of course I was. In front of doctors they were loving people behind closed doors they were evil.I was seen as an attention seeker.
I survived various foster home placements. Social services became a big part of our lives as was the police. These times were frightening, I was going into a somebody’s home who I didn’t know who they were. At least i wasn’t beaten up and got a decent meal. I think i went into about 4/5 different foster homes.
I’m surviving. Im surviving mental health problems. I’m trying to beat PTSD, I’m avoiding depression, I’m controlling my anxiety, BDD is one the bites me on my ass every so often. But as I said at the beginning I’m winning.