News years eve and yesterday were pretty bad days as far as bad days go. I’ve been in a low mood since Christmas, wether because Christmas wasn’t great for me as a child and it brings reminders I don’t know but it’s every year for me and Christmas just passed was no different.
Yesterday Shaun had woken in a pretty foul mood and was taking it out on me, to be fair my mood over the past week hadn’t helped and he was struggling as he got to the point that nothing he said or did made me feel any better. The boys were being winey and unruly and this added to the already stressed out tension that filled the atmosphere. By the afternoon I had snapped and had enough of the snide comments and the anger we both had for each other.
I did something which ended up leaving my family panicked but at the time I didn’t think about my actions. I had put on my shoes and coat picked up the car keys and drove off in my car not telling anybody where I was going. With having issues before with suicide, the thought for them was I was going to do something stupid. What I had actually done was nipped out to Argos to get Shaun a new hose pipe for his pressure washer I got him for Christmas, a costa coffee take away mint hot chocolate, shaun a lemon muffin and then proceeded to drive home, hoping my new make peace gifts would do the job. I was gone less than an hour, but when I got back I was met by an angry and upset Shaun.
I was frightened by his face and his body language spoke it all, I had left off without saying a word. Something I hadn’t done before, normally I would go for a walk. Me being me went into fight mode, my defences come up and I was ready to battle because that’s my coping mechanism. He spat his anger at me and I threw his muffin in his face and called him an ungrateful twat, at the time he couldn’t reason with me as I couldn’t see beyond his upset. It took him a little while to get through to me and then the penny dropped. He thought I was going to harm myself.
I felt guilty and apologised while tears flooded my face, black patches of mascara congregated under my eyes. I had scared him. I hadn’t meant too but i was so angry I went out to not only calm down but to cheer him up which back fired. I promised never to do it again, after a heart to heart and a cuddle we sorted it out, and came up with a game plan to help me. Tomorrow I see my Mental health nurse and shaun will be attending as he feels I’ve been a little unwell for couple of weeks. Next time I should tell him where I’m going.