I’m lying here thinking how disgusting I am for not being able to keep crap out of my mouth over the festive season. I feel damn right fat and rank. I have this love/hate relationship with food and I hate the way it makes me feel if I eat crap but also love eating food. Why can’t I just eat chocolate without feeling guilty for doing so or looking in the mirror and seeing a hideous person staring right back. I hate this cycle I go through and how it makes me feel. Why can’t I be a stick?

After having my children I piled on the weight and even then absolutely hated how I felt about myself, now I’ve lost all the weight and back to pre-babies size I’m scared of being a bigger person again needing larger clothes yet my reflection in the mirror shows different. It also reflects how I feel and look in clothes too. On a bad day I could change up 10 times getting wound up each time until i burst into tears. I would have been told that I look great in all of them but wouldn’t accept it. Thinking I’m being told that to shut me up. Why can’t I just be normal and be comfortable in my own skin?

I’m forever comparing myself to others too wishing I could have legs like so and so or her hair etc. I don’t know wether I can accept myself for who I am. It’s a viscous cycle of hating myself. Growing up I was disliked, hated and told i shouldn’t have been born so this stuck in my memory. If no one else could love me for who I am why should I love myself? My husband will say different and so will friends but I find it difficult to believe. Being me can suck mentally. I don’t want to be stuck like this forever!

Karina ❤️

Author: karinao86

Mother of 3 boys, wife to one man and lover of horses. Mental health sufferer in recovery.

4 thoughts on “Shrek!”

  1. I completely get this. Going on a night out could result in a meltdown for me and often deciding last minute I just can’t go. My anxiety coupled with this issue of low self asteem is a terrible, terrible mixture. Oddly day to day it doesn’t bother me but the moment I ‘make an effort’ it appears and takes over. You need to trust your family and friends, they’ve no reason to lie to you. You’re beautiful xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. but also………you were not born loathing your existence, nor do you have to die that way either. there is hope. there is hope to one day live in a body that is glorious simply because it fosters a life that you’d never want to give up for darkness again. this body is a vessel for light and love, and even though i too fall into voids of despair as i loathe this body that feels like it is holding me hostage, i know that without it i could never feel joy. i could never laugh or see the rising sun or feel my heart swell with gratitude. so, have patience. it will not be so dark forever.


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