I’m lying here thinking how disgusting I am for not being able to keep crap out of my mouth over the festive season. I feel damn right fat and rank. I have this love/hate relationship with food and I hate the way it makes me feel if I eat crap but also love eating food. Why can’t I just eat chocolate without feeling guilty for doing so or looking in the mirror and seeing a hideous person staring right back. I hate this cycle I go through and how it makes me feel. Why can’t I be a stick?
After having my children I piled on the weight and even then absolutely hated how I felt about myself, now I’ve lost all the weight and back to pre-babies size I’m scared of being a bigger person again needing larger clothes yet my reflection in the mirror shows different. It also reflects how I feel and look in clothes too. On a bad day I could change up 10 times getting wound up each time until i burst into tears. I would have been told that I look great in all of them but wouldn’t accept it. Thinking I’m being told that to shut me up. Why can’t I just be normal and be comfortable in my own skin?
I’m forever comparing myself to others too wishing I could have legs like so and so or her hair etc. I don’t know wether I can accept myself for who I am. It’s a viscous cycle of hating myself. Growing up I was disliked, hated and told i shouldn’t have been born so this stuck in my memory. If no one else could love me for who I am why should I love myself? My husband will say different and so will friends but I find it difficult to believe. Being me can suck mentally. I don’t want to be stuck like this forever!