My routines have gone down the pan last few days and I’m feeling it, doesn’t help that I have a stinking cold and a hacking cough that keeps me up most of the night.
I have a false feeling of lethargy where I just can’t motivate myself at the moment, normally this isn’t a problem for me but with the excitement of Christmas gone I’m on a major come down. It’s these times where I try to think about what I have accomplished in the year that’s passed, before I would have seen myself as a waste of space because that’s how I always saw myself as. Being told this constantly growing up it’s sticks like glue. As children our brains are like sponges, we soak up information both good and bad and it stays forever. All the hurt and pain definitely won’t leave me but it’s now a lot more tolerable then it ever use to be. In the past year I have fought against my demons and beat them one by one, I never thought I would say it, let alone type it. Treatment definitely worked for me.
One thing I do need to stop doing is dwelling, something I do way to much of and it’s not healthy. Thinking for me it’s not healthy- because it’s not healthy thinking it’s unhealthy dwelling if that makes sense. I need to do something amazing, something to focus on but don’t know what. I have my husband, children, Zeus, friends and work but I like to be busy! In 2017 I walked 50 miles over 2 days for the foundation of prader-Willi Syndrome( my middle child was born with PWS) it was painful at times and very hot but I did it with friends and actually enjoyed the buzz and the adrenaline from it. I studied and passed my BHS stage 1 course in horse care- I have to do the exam and had to cancel due to major surgery so need to rebook this in the new year. At the moment that’s all I can think of that I accomplished. I love the feeling of doing something good, but I also need the confidence to do it. I’m terrified of failure, failure to me isn’t not an option. Of course failing at something makes you better at it the next time as you learn from it but unfortunately for me it has the totally opposite affect. It’s a negative impact on me and I’m likely not to reattempt and I think in terms of doing the exam for BHS stage 1 horse care and riding I’m worried about this.
As a child I was forced to sit and do sums and fractions and shit like that, I would spend hours doing them and hours too long than needed because I couldn’t do it. I got it wrong and the punishment was not nice, instead of the parent sitting down and using positive encouragement it was a negative for me. Most likely a beating with being forced to do even more sums. It was a hell that can replay in my mind. It was one of my mother many husbands who was an evil person through and through. His name was Bill ( short for William) and I hated him with every being of my soul. Many times I wished him dead.
I would never force my children to do something they didn’t want to do and what’s use positive encouragement. I know what the negative stuff does to a child, I’m living proof of this but it has effected me into adult hood.