I find it very hard to motivate myself during the winter months, it’s cold and wet and most of the time raining. All I want to do is hibernate until spring but of course that’s not possible. I do find that with the crappy weather my mood seems to go down with the rain.
Since my bad day I’ve been okay since, I have felt that I have been able to get angry quite quickly and my patience seems to run out at fast rate. I can’t even blame it on the time of the month so it’s hard to know what’s wrong with me except maybe the time of the year has something to do with it I don’t think it’s a full moon yet so won’t be turning into a werewolf anytime soon. Despite the rubbish weather I still motivate myself to see and ride Zeus as that’s important to me and he does always cheer me up, he does need the mental stimulation of being ridden as well as the exercise.
I was trying to think about my earliest Christmas memory and you know what I can’t. How sad is that? I cannot think of a Christmas where I had a great time or a gift that was special, because as a child Christmas wasn’t some big celebration and me and my siblings were always made to wash all the dishes while she sat on her arse with him ( he ( one of several husbands)was a nasty, narcissistic abusive man) drinking some nasty shit in a can. Many families have a great Christmas with a celebration all together, not us. I can’t remember even helping put up the Christmas decorations. To me back then Christmas was just a normal day. The only saviour we would have is if my Nan was there, it meant she and him were less likely to be abusive and nasty in front of her.
It makes me sad to think there are children out there who won’t be celebrating Christmas or will suffer some form of abuse at Christmas- at the hands of adults drunk or sober they will still abuse. What is actually wrong with people to be like that? They are certainly not born that way inclined! I wonder why my mother turned out to be the bitch that she is, I’m grateful that I have not turned out like her, it was one of my biggest worries when I became a mother myself. I can’t even imagine hurting my children. I really hope some children will break the silence and have a voice. I really wish I had done sooner as a child and maybe I wouldn’t have carried so much pain with me for all these years.