It’s cold

I find it very hard to motivate myself during the winter months, it’s cold and wet and most of the time raining. All I want to do is hibernate until spring but of course that’s not possible. I do find that with the crappy weather my mood seems to go down with the rain.

Since my bad day I’ve been okay since, I have felt that I have been able to get angry quite quickly and my patience seems to run out at fast rate. I can’t even blame it on the time of the month so it’s hard to know what’s wrong with me except maybe the time of the year has something to do with it I don’t think it’s a full moon yet so won’t be turning into a werewolf anytime soon. Despite the rubbish weather I still motivate myself to see and ride Zeus as that’s important to me and he does always cheer me up, he does need the mental stimulation of being ridden as well as the exercise.

I was trying to think about my earliest Christmas memory and you know what I can’t. How sad is that? I cannot think of a Christmas where I had a great time or a gift that was special, because as a child Christmas wasn’t some big celebration and me and my siblings were always made to wash all the dishes while she sat on her arse with him ( he ( one of several husbands)was a nasty, narcissistic abusive man) drinking some nasty shit in a can. Many families have a great Christmas with a celebration all together, not us. I can’t remember even helping put up the Christmas decorations. To me back then Christmas was just a normal day. The only saviour we would have is if my Nan was there, it meant she and him were less likely to be abusive and nasty in front of her.

It makes me sad to think there are children out there who won’t be celebrating Christmas or will suffer some form of abuse at Christmas- at the hands of adults drunk or sober they will still abuse. What is actually wrong with people to be like that? They are certainly not born that way inclined! I wonder why my mother turned out to be the bitch that she is, I’m grateful that I have not turned out like her, it was one of my biggest worries when I became a mother myself. I can’t even imagine hurting my children. I really hope some children will break the silence and have a voice. I really wish I had done sooner as a child and maybe I wouldn’t have carried so much pain with me for all these years.

Karina ❤️

Author: karinao86

Mother of 3 boys, wife to one man and lover of horses. Mental health sufferer in recovery.

8 thoughts on “It’s cold”

  1. hello Karina, I replied to you on another blog and feel moved to reply to you on this one too. I was treated badly by father when I was little and throughout childhood. For me it has meant due to not having control over what happened to my body, I realised I do not want children. The whole thing is too frightening to consider. Already been there, doubt I will ever fully recover, and I am giving myself the rest of my life without any other interference (for want of a better word) to face the many demons that I already have, due to what father did to me from age 4. Now, or rather when I am allowed to sleep again, I will resume my work as a scriptwriter and filmmaker and bring subjects to the public awareness that aI wish I was bringing now (and thanks to the local Council here in Pocahontas country the abuse by my neighbour is being allowed to continue and thrive every night, as it has since November 2016! Weather – I find this time of year most beneficial for my Healing work (normally I do, currently it is not possible) as the quiet street outside with no screaming kids means I can normally do my introspective Healing work and sort many issues out, without even speaking a word to anyone. Recently found out that I am on the Autism spectrum, and slightly Aspie, so I need one day to get to see a Specialist for full check on that to see to what extent and how I can find a supportive peer group locally and a sympathetic mental health worker offering therapy (if such exists! M health is a minefield and many are too inept at their jobs, unfortunately, to care about vulnerable people, in my experience) to hep me manage the unusual traits that the condition manifests. PS Zeus is adorable! I agree regarding animals, I find my cat provides great comfort, and she has somehow learnt to hug. 🙂 Wishing you all the best. Shar. x

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    1. Hi Shar, thank you ❤️ I agree in terms of MH being a minefield especially if if you have more than one condition. Luckily I was given the right people to help me and that makes a big difference it honestly does. I guess having Aspergers this can manifest in issues itself which I can imagine being very frightening for you. Horses are amazing for comfort too as well as dogs. I couldn’t imagine my life without either. Take care. Karina x

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      1. Hi Karina, thank you for reply ❤ yes I have found the issue of complaints about MH services appears to be some kind of "we will cover your arse if you screw up" – secret society. NOT good for many of us whom already have trust issues (especially from long term abuse). Re; Aspergers I have not yet been officially diagnosed but my friend Mark who has Aspergers told me he observes that I am slightly Aspie and over time studying the subject I can see things I identify with. An official diagnosis (when – I can rest and get out the flat!) will help a lot, as I will then be able to put plans in place for where to go and how to face the challenges that – as you correctly say, conditions overlap. Thank you hugely for that comment, I am going to put that in my complaint about the Care Coordinator and in it I shall ask for somebody whom has experience of overlapping MH conditions, as I do not feel this current (and very young) woman has the mental capacity to understand the suffering of another person, as she herself is unaffected and so therefore has not the compassion of someone a little older, whom may have more wordly experience of the subject (if not a sufferer themselves). OF course the Holy Grail of getting treatment for any condition is to find somebody who knows about it and maybe even has personal experience of it – they can identify nuances that instantly ring a bell when you start to say certain things. This definitely happened for me when I attended a Survivors Group somewhere in London in the 1990's. I would say something to the group of ladies there about how I felt in certain situations (we each listened to each other, it was very powerful, scary at times, and ultimately Healing to share such things), and their responses, even just a nod of their heads and low murmur, would be extremely comforting. I would come out of those meetings with a lighter head and less burdened shoulders. / Please tell, which source of support were you pointed to that were helpful to your struggles and MH difficulties? Are you in the UK too? I am in Kent. / Hope you are well today? kind regards and warmest wishes. Stronger together, friendship, although maybe fleeting, always Heals and Soothes. Shar. x

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      2. I am In the UK in the Norfolk countryside. Unfortunately for me groups make me feel uncomfortable so I avoid them. There are support groups available in my area I choose not to go to them. The groups are pointed out to me by my MH and physiologist ( whom after a year have recently been discharged from yay that’s how much better i am) the reason I started writing was to help into the Continue in my recovery and to help others that got not along in the fight again MH. Nobody should suffer in silence: I might not change the way society sees it but I would like to make a small difference. I’m okay had a little blip earlier but a nap made a difference. X

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