Today has not been a good day, wether I was tired, time of year or forgetting to take my medication or all those factors combined I have felt awful. I fed Zeus and Arty this morning and then found myself wondering through my local woods freezing and crying. I hate feeling like that, it’s horrendous. You don’t feel like talking to anybody and I had shut myself off. It’s been a struggle. I’ve not had a day like this for a long time but I think I know what may have triggered it.
Several years ago on this day my grandfather died, I gave up on him before he died as I tried to hard to connect with him but I felt like he didn’t want to know or anything and to me that was all I needed to stop contact. This also triggered things with the hate I have for my mother and I then stalked her Facebook page and she had a photo of me and my siblings as children as her Facebook cover, a photo she doesn’t deserve to have.
Maybe this photo upset me, I don’t know but it’s hard to look at. It makes me feel desperately sad, how can a family be ripped apart?! How can it have such a tragic ending? How can we have been let down so badly? Where were was the people who was suppose to care? Why me? Us? Them? I know my life is much different now. I have people who love me, care for me and are always there for me but I still can’t help but reflect on shit. Can’t help but reflect on my grandfathers passing.
He took me in when I had nobody or nowhere to go to but there was friction in the family because of this. Wether he generally wanted to help me or felt he was obliged to I don’t know but I tried so hard with him I really did. There is only so much I could have done or said to see I was worthy of any kind of love from my family.
The state I had myself into this morning forced me to take action and call Trudy my awesome mental health nurse. It’s the first time I’ve ever had to do it but I didn’t like where my thoughts were headed and the fact I was aimlessly wondering around some woods in the cold sobbing like a baby spoke volumes. I had to speak to somebody to lessen the burden, the old Karina wouldn’t not have been brave enough to do this so was a very huge thing to do. When spoke to her I had to try hard not to cry because I think I would have gone beyond sobbing. I felt a little better after speaking to her about how I felt. I’ve been hard on myself lately and it’s taking its toll but I also must take my medication. Time I set an alarm on my phone as I reminder because as Trudy said, the proof is in the pudding I need my SSRI to keep me afloat, to keep my mood stable.