I hate it!!!

Fuck body dysmorphia, the last few days I’ve been in hell with how I feel about myself- I’m disgusting! I have a wedding on Friday and purchased this gorgeous dress yet when I tried it on again over the weekend I looked and felt like a frump I tried on other dresses I had in my wardrobe and got more upset and angry with myself, so I decided to buy a new one.

I stood there in the shop changing rooms and I felt despair at the state of myself, all the mirror showed all the angles of my awful body, I could have cried! Why am I like this? Why do I see myself like this? My legs make me feel sick, if my husband allowed it I would have cosmetic surgery, in his eyes I am perfect the way I am, but to me I look fat and hideous. Shrek springs to mind…..

I have a love/hate relationship with food, it’s a control thing I have. I will starve for a few days in the hope to change something but this doesn’t work, apparently starving oneself sends the body into starvation mode holding on to fat reserves. I have no idea if this is true or not, I try to do a lot of walking too, it could be freezing and pouring with rain but I have to exercise. It’s compulsive for me to do so. My mind will not be nice either calling myself horrible names, you fat cow and other things along those lines. It does stress me out a lot, shaun notices I’m like this when I have not taken my medication and admittedly it had been a few days. Why can’t I be happy with myself?

Today’s society means we have to be so damn bloody perfect in looks and body size with a thigh gap and sticky out collar bones. We have to look a certain way, be skinny and made up. I’m neither of those, I don’t wear makeup that often, only if I’m going out I will put on a little bit. I’m also far from skinny! Which is what I want to be, I want to be skinny. I hate my body, my figure I hate it all. I have had 3 children which I’m very blessed to have but my body shows this as well as surgical scars. My thighs are flabby and huge, and I can’t get rid of it. I forever research pills for weight loss and admittedly even looked at pills that are of illegal substance but pulled myself together. My husband would go absolutely mad and I have to think of my children. I came clean about this to my psychologist as I felt guilty for even thinking it! Guilt is something I struggle with.

I feel guilty for not riding zeus because of the weather maybe or family commitments, I feel guilty for having a wonderful family because I can be a burden and not worthy. I feel guilty for eating a slice of cake and reminding myself how fat I am. My mind can be bloody screwed at times!

Fuck you body dysmorphia.

Karina ❤️

Author: karinao86

Mother of 3 boys, wife to one man and lover of horses. Mental health sufferer in recovery.

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