It’s sad to think that 1 in 20 children in the UK are sexually abused every single day. I’m a statistic and it breaks my heart to think that other children are going through similar experiences. Innocence taken and replaced with fear, worry and shame. The dark reality of this is that many go unreported and many live through it day in and day out. Many cases it’s family friend or family member rarely a parent. In my case I thought he was my ‘father’ so to me deemed as parent.
I carried the shame and dark secret with me until I turned into teenager where out of desperation I told my mother. It was the most awful thing I’ve ever had to explain especially as it’s something I carried within my conscious for so long. How do you explain to someone you have been molested and touched in an inappropriate manner? As a child I remembered feeling confused and hurt, told not to tell anybody, that I was ‘special’.
Again it’s that fear of telling someone as a tender little child of what the repercussions could be, the fear of nobody believing you. Every child will be thinking it who is going through it. How can a child tell her mother that her father is touching her lady parts? For a long time I thought it was something I did or said but I would have been around 5-6 years old maybe younger, to be honest it’s hard to remember my age. At that time you don’t really follow dates and times.
Bath times were the worst, I use to try and hurry because I knew he would come in and not be very nice….I honestly do not know where my siblings where at the time. My mother had abandoned us, so it was just me and the siblings. Stuck in a nightmare. It wasn’t just bath times either, it was times where I was being ‘punished’ with a belt but in reality that’s not what he was doing. He was touching me. The very thought makes me feel sick, a man being a predatory on a young child for his own sexual gratification. I had nobody and I wouldn’t have spoke up if I had.
When I was a teenager I had no choice but to live back with him, the lump i swallowed was huge- I never been so frightened but I soon learned I was too old for him and being married then meant he was getting his means met. The hard thing is he got away with it, it was many years down the line and my word against his-again why many don’t go to court. He walked free to do it again to some other poor soul. As a child I had my innocence robbed from me, the shame of being sexually violated by a man who was suppose to be my father ( i soon found out he wasn’t). To many people from the outside I look like a normal person but inside I carry the fact that I’m a victim of sexual abuse, there is nothing I can do to change that but therapy has helped me overcome it.
I still fear men today, I won’t get into a taxi with a male driver and if out with girls I won’t go to loo on my own. This is me protecting myself of ever falling prey to a man again. The harsh reality is there is many predatory men out there. Not just to children but women too. Rapists and even sexual harassment in the work place, and it’s not just women. Men are affected too! Yes men.
I no longer feel ashamed, the person who should feel ASHAMED is the man who done it to me in the first place. He should feel the weight of guilt on his shoulders, he should feel the shame. It wasn’t my fault, we should break the silence and every child should be listened too and believed unless proven otherwise. Every child should have a voice.