Can I forgive Them?

I don’t think I can find it in myself too but that doesn’t make me bitter. Can i forgive my mother for the years of neglect and abuse? No can i forgive the man who I was brought up to believe was my father but wasn’t who sexually abused me? No can I forgive the man my mother married for years of physical and emotional abuse? No

These people do not deserve my forgiveness; It makes me wonder what drives people to do despicable things. What makes someone decide to inappropriately touch a little girl in an intimate place? Making her believe it was what all daddies did to their little girls. That it was our little secret. A dirty, awful little secret and it makes me shudder to think what happened. It took me a long time to realise this was not my fault. I was around 5-6 years old maybe, if I can remember when it started. I was 15 when I piped up to my mother out of worry, she marched me down to the police station despite me begging not too, she loved drama you see but this was no drama I wanted to be part of. I went through stages and hours of horrible police interviews only for him to walk free because how long had gone by and it was literally my word against his. I knew it was a waste of time because he is a lying sack of shit. One word for him: pedophile.

It wasn’t just the sexual abuse but the physical too. The slaps and the hits and once he held me by my throat against a wall, I was only a little girl and it makes me wonder what could I have possibly done so wrong for him to be like that? I would never hurt my boys or dream of it the way he would hurt me. I guess not being his own flesh and blood I was an easy target. Of course talking about this isn’t easy, and I have no doubt there are very similar stories out there with some who are too scared to come forward. My therapy has taught me to overcome this part of my life, and very rarely bothers me because of my changed way of thinking but I’m still wary, I wouldn’t get into a taxi with a male driver on my own. The above photo is me as a child, going through pain and fear, yet you wouldn’t know.

Thinking back nobody would have known and I guess as a child you wouldn’t speak up of fear of being branded a liar and feeling ashamed or actually thinking it’s normal. Children don’t have a voice, and that’s why so many children are abused as they are told to keep quiet out fear. Maybe more could be done, in schools maybe or other family members. Bringing awareness to something that is so common, children should be given a voice. Sexual abuse is damaging.

Karina ❤️

Author: karinao86

Mother of 3 boys, wife to one man and lover of horses. Mental health sufferer in recovery.

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