I’ve been stuck in the house due to child sickness, that time of year where bugs are everywhere, being stuck in doesn’t do me no favours and having my routine thrown out puts me on edge. I wasn’t able to go for my usual daily walk yesterday so I was miserable and just wallowed in my self pity and self loathing. Picking at parts of me that needed changing, which was pretty much everything. I see all the flaws. Apparently I’m beautiful just the way I am yet I see something completely different.
In the mirror my reflection is ugly, hideous and down right disgusting. A very flawed human being, I see myself as fat. I hate every part of me, my worst parts on I focus on is my legs. Thing with BDD you can’t help but check out your reflection in everything from shop windows to car doors, anything that gives a reflection shows everything that is wrong with me. I can spend a long time trying to find an outfit to hide flaws, making sure no lumps and bumps can’t be seen. There have been times I’ve changed several times getting myself in state and not bothering going out. The distortion my mind shows of myself can affect day to day life.
Since I started therapy, must be almost a year ago I was a human wreck, a car crash. My BDD has improved immensely but it’s not completely gone, even with medication. I’m told I’m beautiful but I never believe it and I will always ignore a compliment and change the subject. As a size 8-10 woman what I see is completely different. I wish I could believe what people say I really do. It’s an obsession of being perfect.
excuse my drawing I’m not very creative!