I find it helps sometimes to write down how I feel and what’s going through my mind. I unburden myself on to paper and it actually helps, I tend to feel a little lighter across the shoulders! I started this blog for this reason but to also help others and people to understand what it is like to live with mental health disorders.
My childhood was poor I mean it was awful, people who was suppose to care for me let me down on a major scale. My mother for one, she doesn’t deserve the title ‘Mother’. I’ve cried enough tears over a women who means nothing to me, I’ve been angry over a women who is selfish. The men she met were abusive too and she did nothing to protect us. Being a mother myself became an eye opener to everything i had gone through. It hit home after the birth of my 1st child in 2007, I was suicidal with painful memories and harsh thoughts. I felt I wasn’t good enough for the world. It took many years after this to seek help.
I wish I had sought help sooner. I was in denial and I blamed my husband, telling him it was in his head not mine. When we met at 17 years old I was terrified of being hurt by him- I had an old head on young shoulders as I was forced to grow up from an early age. 6 months into the relationship I broke down and told him everything. I had baggage upon baggage and I thought he would run for the hills. He didn’t. I’m very lucky to have found somebody as understanding as my husband. But it’s not been easy for us at all, mainly because of my mental health problems and the skilled ability of pushing people away. I now try and talk to him about how I’m feeling, I’m an open book to him so he knows when there is something wrong.