The ‘S’ Word

Suicide. I’ve written it, more people die from suicide than people realise and more men take their own life than men according to statistics, but these people are not a number on a piece of paper.

I know what it feels like to go through the motion of attempting to take my life, throughout my teens i attempted 3 times, of course failed as I am here to tell my story but it breaks my heart when i read about suicide on social media and straight away people jump straight onto the band wagon. ‘How selfish can someone be’ ‘What about their family?’ ‘coward’ ‘so weak’ amongst other quotes, yet people do not take into account the actions, the thoughts and the pain the person was dealing with before they take their own life, people assume its done on a whim and that people wake up in the morming and think I know today i will die. Its more complex than that, suicide itself is complex.

When i attempted at my life, it took several months for me to get there. The pain, the thoughts and everything in between lead to me to that. I was an abused child, neglected and nobody cared if i was dead or alive. I was isolated, lonely and had nobody I could turn or talk too i was desperate. It was an incredibly dark time of my life, and to be honest i was scared to ask for help, i also didn’t know who to ask.  I was frightened of my thoughts and where they were headed too, suicide then became an obsession, a need. It wasn’t easy, believe me.

Of course, when i was admitted to hospital i was embarrased, scared and again alone. The real fear was my mother and her shitty, abusive husband and how they would be. Of course, they was different at the hospital but upon my discharge it was awful- at the time i felt i failed myself,  I was better of dead. I would no longer have pain.  My cry for help, for escape was ignored. Even as teenager I feel mental health is ignored. Many teens no idea who will listen, who will take them seriously. Mental health doesn’t pick and choose who it will affect. It can happen to absolutely anyone.

Karina ❤️

Author: karinao86

Mother of 3 boys, wife to one man and lover of horses. Mental health sufferer in recovery.

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